Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Incomplete and sweaty

Incomplete...a song by Alanis Morissette. (lyrics adapted)

One day I'll find relief. I'll be arrived and I'll be a friend to my friends who know how to be friends.
One day I'll be at peace. I'll be enlightened and I'll be married with children and maybe adopt.
One day I will be healed. I will gather my wounds forge the end of tragic comedy.

I have been running so sweaty my whole life, urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.

One day my mind will retreat and I'll know God and I'll be constantly one with him night, dusk, and day.
One day I'll be secure like the women I see on their thirtieth anniversaries.

I have been running so sweaty my whole life, urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete. Ever unfolding. Ever expanding. Ever adventurous and torturous and never done.

One day I will speak freely. I'll be less afraid and measured outside of my poems and lyrics and art.
One day I will be faith-filled. I'll be trusting and spacious, authentic and grounded and home.

I have been running so sweaty my whole life, urgent for a finish line. And I have been missing the rapture this whole time of being forever incomplete.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

the severed head

This Body is scrambling for a sense of worth, identity, and purpose. Sometimes fiery, sometimes skiddish, but more often than not, clueless. This body is running, but weak. Its circulation is limited and limbs are going numb while major organs are failing. Its a sad sight. Too much for the weak stomached, this pain is loud and the stench offensive.
Where is the Head? How was it lost? Was it stolen or strategically removed? It is one of the heaviest of all the Body parts...perhaps the other parts felt it was weighing them down. No wonder there is no true order, no fresh ideas, no stability. Its no wonder. We've lost our mind and need to come to our senses...oh wait there's no way to calculate or understand them. We've lost our sight, our hearing and our voice. We have no memory, no intuition. We run cold. We run without direction. We run pale and dumb. But none the less, we run...but never to the Head. Never ever to the Head. Strange.

Goats...

Goats. Looking for toys, not wanting to commit to an occupation. Just looking for a job. Just on the hunt for a quickie...the biggest boom the least extraction. Goats.

Goats. Overlooking the loudest subtlety. Shades so cool their clouded. Fire so dim it more resembles a gas leak...the biggest boom the least extraction. Goats.

Goats. Stuffing their mouths while He goes hungry. Speeding by in their comfy cars while He asks for some change. Worshiping in their fancy buildings while He has no place to lay his head. Goats.

Goats. Good for Fire. Great for kindling. Replaceable. Expendable. Cheap cheese, even cheaper milk. Tough. Stubborn. Bleeeet. Worthless Goats.

***He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me - you failed to do it to me.' "Then those 'goats' will be herded to their eternal doom, but the 'sheep' to their eternal reward."
Matthew 25:45-46

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Who am i?

Who am i to say anything at all? Who am i to have sight and an awareness at all? Who am i to say this is necessary and that is not? i don't know. i really don't know. i am just Julia. i am just a girl who wakes up in the morning, checks the time and descends out of bed. My feet ache. My head feels heavy. i drink coffee. i take my time getting ready. i pause...and pause and just think about stuff as i am reminded or provoked. i eventually make it outside. i get in my new, but dusty car and head out. i turn on talk radio and listen to the opinions of the natives. i don't get bothered by traffic unless i am late and possibly disappointing someone. i pick up my nanny kids and give them the attention they need. i straighten up their house so they can experiecnce some order and so can i. i read a bit. i stare a bit. i watch Ellen. i make dinner. i fold the laundry. i check on the homework. i exit as their dad arrives. i drive home or to small group or to church or to praise team practice or to choir practice or to somebody's birthday celebration...Who am i to think i know anything at all? i don't know.

Who am i to say He needs me? Who am i to say He loves me? Who am i to say He is here with me? i don't know.
He said it...not me. He revealed it...not me. He allowed it...not me. I stood by and watched Him unfold. This I know...I know it very well.